Building Social Skills in Teens with Heart Defects

When teens understand emotions, they have an easier time managing social situations. They can better monitor and manage their own reactions, and respond more appropriately to other people.

You can help teens learn about feelings by:

• Teaching them the names of feelings, including complex feelings and mixed feelings

• Talking about what people are feeling, and why

• Labeling and explaining your own feelings (in a way that is not alarming and shows you can manage your feelings)

• Labeling what you think the teenager might be feeling, and asking if it is right

• When you see someone having a feeling, thinking out loud about what they might be feeling, and why

• Watching videos and reading books with emotional content

  • Naming and discussing what the characters are feeling, and why

  • Talking about how you can tell what they feel

  • Talking about how others could have caused those feelings, and how they could respond

  • Talking about why characters are making certain choices

Teens with heart defects often need a little help understanding different types of relationships.  You can help them to understand the ways in which people can be connected, and how to behave within different relationships.

You can help teens learn about relationships by:

• Talking about the people in your life, and how you are connected to them (friends, close family, distant family, neighbor, acquaintance, stranger, etc.)

• Reading books and watching videos about different types of relationships

  • Talking about how you can tell how people are connected

• Asking teens about their own relationships, and how the type of relationship affects how they behave (examples: classmate versus friend, parent versus teacher, stranger versus acquaintance, romantic partner versus friend)

• Helping teens discuss and determine which behaviors are appropriate in which kinds of relationships (example: kiss a parent but not a neighbor, high-five a classmate but not a stranger)

• Teaching about consent, including how to ask for consent, how to give or deny consent, how to monitor consent over the course of an experience, and how to deny consent

• Discussing red flags, or signs that another person may be acting in a way that is not kind or safe

As teens, young people often learn how to manage disputes without adult assistance.  However, adults can still serve a role by teaching them strategies for managing conflicts.

You can help teens resolve conflicts by:

• Teaching them a set of steps

• Consistently using these steps in your own home to resolve conflicts

Steps to good conflict resolution can include:

1. First, take a deep breath and count to 5.  Label your own feelings and thoughts. Make sure you are calm enough to work on this problem.

2. Ask the other person for their side, and listen quietly.  Really think about what they are saying.

3. Think about the situation.  Think about how each person might understand it, and how they could be right from their perspective.

4. Explain your perspective using “I” statements, and without blaming

5. Discuss a possible compromise

6. Keep talking until everyone can accept the decision

Teenagers are often highly aware of other people, and are usually very invested in fitting in, and behaving in an expected way.  Some teens need help learning what is expected in different social situations, and adults can help them to learn the unwritten rules of their culture and community.

Adults can help by:

• Role-playing or using dramatic play to act out scripts such as asking someone to hang out, ordering at a coffee shop, or asking a teacher for help

• Explaining adult choices, behaviors, words, and actions when they navigate a social situation

• Previewing social events to explain what will happen, and what behaviors are expected

  • Consider showing kids pictures or videos of the activity

Teens usually become more socially adept when they have the opportunity to practice and be successful in a wide range of social experiences. 

Adults can help by:

• Introducing teens to a wide range of people

• Helping teens to spend time socially with other kids

• Encouraging teens to join teams, clubs, and other social groups

• Going to new places and having new experiences

If a teen has trouble with new social experiences, or has anxiety, you may need to choose social activities carefully to help your teenager build confidence and a history of success. Be sure to reassure them that their anxiety is real, but that they have the strength and strategies to get through it.

Find social situations that are not overwhelming. Depending on the teen, this can mean:

• they already know someone

• the place is familiar

• they do not need to talk too much

• they can do an activity they enjoy

• it is not too loud or bright

Although the social worlds of teenagers are expanding, their family relationships remain critical.  You can teach your teen social skills by maintaining healthy relationships in the home. 

This can mean:

• Solving conflicts with kindness and respect

• Showing affection regularly

• Making it clear that you appreciate people for who they are

• Asking for consent before touching

• Setting and respecting healthy boundaries

• Making time for each other

• Trying to be fair

• Communicating openly, and listening well

When you have healthy relationships in the home, you set your teen up for success in the bigger world.  They learn how to treat people, and how they should expect to be treated.

This content was reviewed by a psychologist at Boston Children's Hospital.

Developmental care is best when it is local. Families local to Boston can receive care from the Cardiac Neurodevelopmental Program (CNP). Families from other regions can use the link below to find their local care team.