Supporting Emotional Development in Young Children

Young children are better able to monitor and regulate their emotions when they are not overly stressed. Adults can help by shaping an environment that is generally predictable, and rarely overwhelming.

• A calm space means:

• Not too loud

• Not too bright

• Toys that are attractive and safe

• Baby-proofed spaces that are secure for a young child to explore

• Furniture and toys arranged in a familiar way, with only small changes day-to-day

 Even in a hospital room, caregivers can work together to keep the room as calm and predictable as possible for a young child.

Young children need to learn about what they are feeling.  Adults can help them by reflecting a child’s feelings in their own faces and behaviors.  

If a young child is sad, adults can: 

• Show concern in their face and voice 

• Say they notice the child looks sad 

• Offer them child comfort 

• Name and model a strategy, such as thinking about something happy  

If a child is mad, adults can: 

• Show concern in their face and voice 

• Say they notice the child looks mad 

• Offer a way to try to make the child feel better 

• Name and lead a strategy, such as taking a deep breath and counting to four 

If a child is scared, adults can: 

• Show concern in their face and voice 

• Say they notice the child looks scared 

• Remove the scary thing, or introduce it more gradually 

• Name and lead a strategy, such as asking questions to understand 

• Offer the child comfort 

If a child is surprised, adults can 

• Show surprise in their face too 

• Show interest in what surprised them 

• Say they notice that the child is surprised 

• If the child is scared, comfort them 

• If the child is excited, act excited too 

If a child is happy or excited, adults can: 

• Smile back at the child 

• Say that the child is happy or excited 

• Talk in an excited voice 

• Look at the child 

• Show interest in what the child is noticing 

When adults reflect a child’s feelings in their own face and behavior, they teach the child: 

• Their feelings are real and important 

• How a person’s face look when a person has those feelings 

• Other people are affected by their feelings, and care about them 

• They can show and tell people their feelings, and the other people will understand 

• Sharing feelings is a way to get support 

It is important not to deny or contradict what the child is feeling.  This behavior is confusing to a child, and can make them doubt or hide their feelings.   Contradicting or minimizing a child’s feelings could mean: 

• Laughing at a child who is crying 

• Telling a child to stop crying 

• Ignoring a child who is happy and trying to get an adult’s attention 

• Saying, “Oh, you’re fine,” if a child is distressed  

These types of reactions can confuse children, and teach them that their feelings are wrong or shameful. 

Some toddlers and many preschoolers are old enough to learn simple strategies to manage their emotions. Caregivers can help young children by teaching regulation strategies.  Then, caregivers can reinforce the strategies by using them to regulate their own big emotions.   When children have big emotions, caregivers can guide them to use the strategies. 

Simple self-regulation strategies include: 

• Think about something happy 

• Take a deep breath and count to four 

• Practice deep breathing by “smell the soup, cool the soup” 

• Take a break in a quiet space 

• Wrap tightly in a blanket 

• Have a cold drink 

• Stomp their feet 

• Splash cold water on their face 

• Tense and then release their muscles  

• Ask more questions to understand 

• Give themselves a big hug 

Taking care of any young child is stressful.  Taking care of a sick child is very stressful.  But, if grownups can manage their own stress, they can help their child to manage emotions too. 

Usually, adults should work on their own negative emotions and distressing thoughts away from a child.  They can help their child by remaining calm as much as possible in the child’s presence.  Many parents of children with heart defects manage their feelings and thoughts with: 

• Therapy 

• Support groups 

• Respite time 

• Medication to treat anxiety or depression, if needed

Sometimes, parents may become overwhelmed while they are with their child.  In those cases, the adults can model how to cope effectively with distress. When an adult feels upset in front of a child, they can: 

• Say that they are having a big feeling 

• Name the feeling (“I am feeling frustrated.”) 

• Say that they know a strategy to manage the feeling (“I know it will help if I take big belly breaths.”) 

• Model using the strategy 

• Say how the strategy helped 

By modeling this process, parents can teach children that: 

• Everyone gets upset sometimes 

• Feelings are not scary or bad 

• People can use coping strategies to manage big feelings 

While adults can do a great deal to support a young child’s emotional development, it is important to remember that it will not happen all at once. Children become better at understanding and managing emotions as they grow up. They continue to build skills into early adulthood, and often beyond.   

The task of early childhood is to set the stage for long-term emotional well-being. You can do this through a predictable home, responsive caregiving, and healthy models of caring and emotion regulation. 

This content was reviewed by a psychologist at Boston Children's Hospital.

Developmental care is best when it is local. Families local to Boston can receive care from the Cardiac Neurodevelopmental Program (CNP). Families from other regions can use the link below to find their local care team.